Only In My Mind
by Hermione-2113
Summary: (Luby-sympathetic songfic) Abby has been married to Carter for years. But there's one memory that she can't quite let go of.


# Oh on a park bench in the middle of July  
# We sat and watched the children play  
# If it was the heat or the noise  
# He didn't have too much to say  
  
# Then with a move of his eyes  
# A move that could have made the wind stand still  
# He took my hand in his and said the words  
# That I never will forget  
  
It happened one morning at breakfast; to this day, I've never known what  
triggered it. We were eating in silence, as we generally did; the years  
we'd spent together had mostly broken us of making half-hearted attempts at  
conversation. This day, however, it was to be different.  
  
"Abby."  
  
Something in his voice made me look up; something in his eyes gave me a  
chill inside. His face was pensive, searching, and it was hard for me to  
carelessly tilt my head. "Mm?"  
  
He chewed his lip, a sure sign he was about to bring up something big, and  
wasn't sure how. "Abby...sometimes I get the feeling you're not telling me  
something."  
  
A piece of toast caught in my suddenly dry throat, and my voice was hoarse  
as I choked out, "Like - like what?"  
  
He waited a moment for my coughing to subside, but his stare never  
faltered. "You know what I mean. You know who I mean. You've never talked  
about it, and I want to know if there's something you haven't said."  
  
Inwardly, I shuddered, and it took all the willpower I had not to look  
away.  
  
# He said have you ever cheated on me  
# Has there been someone else  
# Is there someone you love more than me  
# Someone you can't forget  
# If his memory is opened again  
# Let it be chased away by time  
# He said have you ever cheated on me  
# I said only in my mind  
  
Luka.  
  
His face, forcibly shoved away for years, sprang to life inside my mind  
once more, reminding me wordlessly of that day.  
  
It was only a few months after John and I had been married. We'd been in  
the lounge, talking about I don't even remember what. It was cold, and he'd  
rested his arm over my shoulders, the action so familiar and comfortable  
that neither of us could stop it.  
  
There again, wrapped securely in his warm presence, the past had taken hold  
of me, and I'd tilted my face up to his. Softly, so softly, his lips  
brushed mine.  
  
For just a tiny moment, the old passion flared up between us again...then,  
more harshly than he'd ever touched me, Luka pushed me away. I felt hurt  
for a second, but when I looked up and met his eyes, it shifted to guilt.  
Pain and regret were etched on his face, and his voice was rough and  
ashamed as he stood. "I'm sorry, Abby," he managed, fleeing the room as if  
I were a ghost.  
  
Shame rushed through me, as well, as I realized fully what I'd done - and  
what else I likely would have done, if he hadn't pulled away. Tears pricked  
at my eyes as I wondered how I could have done this to John. And to Luka.  
And myself.  
  
"I'm sorry, Abby." Those words have sounded again and again in my mind, for  
they were the last ones I ever heard him say. He avoided me at work; I  
think he deliberately took the worst shifts, just for that. A few months  
later, he left for good - just turned in his resignation, packed up his  
locker, and left. No goodbye. No one - not even the ever-reliable nurse  
gossip mill - knew where he'd gone.  
  
I remember, too, the last time I saw him. It was just a glimpse, as I was  
heading out the door at the end of my shift. And I think now that I knew  
something was wrong - he'd met my eyes, something he hadn't done since that  
day. He knew, even if I didn't, that this was goodbye.  
  
# How can I tell him  
# The time we spent together  
# Was time between friends  
# There's just somethings I can talk about with you  
# That I can't just talk with him  
# How can I tell you  
# That somewhere in the cards it was meant for us to be  
  
Since then, I'd more or less accepted things. John didn't make me smile  
much - not real, genuine - but he didn't make me cry. And I think that's  
part of it, why I wanted him in the first place. I'm...removed, somehow.  
Even if things fall apart with us, I'll be able to move on. But it hurt to  
loose Luka. I still caught myself missing those days when we were together.  
John's a rock, and I can lean on him without fear of falling - but it's a  
cold, hard comfort. Luka...we leaned on each other, and sometimes we fell,  
but it was real.  
  
And it hurt to loose him as a friend, too. When we broke up, I truly  
thought it was the end of him caring about me. And then I realized he still  
smiled at me, still tried to talk to me if I was hurting, no matter how  
often I pushed him away. He cared about me without asking for anything in  
return, and I just didn't know how to take it. It wasn't supposed to happen  
this way. Richard cut me off cold when we divorced; the first time John and  
I left each other, he told me point-blank that he didn't want to be my  
friend.  
  
# Why am I blushing in front of him now  
# Is it you or the heat  
  
It slowly dawned on me that I was staring into space, and John was looking  
at me sharply. I shook my head, hoping he didn't notice me avoiding his  
eyes. "Not after we broke up. Me and him, I mean. I...don't even know where  
he is now."  
  
Apparently John didn't either, and didn't particularly care, for he only  
checked his watch and stood up. "I'm on shift in half an hour," he  
announced, as though I didn't already know the schedule for today. "I'll  
see you tonight. I love you."  
  
"Me too," I said with a falsely cheerful smile. I hated myself for saying  
it that way, but it came easier. "Have a good day."  
  
# He said have you ever cheated on me  
# I said only in my mind 


End file.
